For Janie

Josh got up to get the door.

Brigham started fussing.

My mom went and picked up Brigham.

Josh followed close behind to get Janie.

I was still laying in bed, waiting for Josh to bring me Janie and a bottle.

I heard my mom scream my name.

I jumped up and ran down the hall.

I got there in time to see Josh lifting Janie out of her crib.

She was not breathing.

My life changed forever.

My memory is a bit blurry after that.

I know Josh started CPR, my mom called 911 and went next door to get our Bishop.

I don't know how long it took, but the ambulance team finally got there.

They came in, scooped Janie up off the floor, and ran out with her. 

I ran after them and tried to get into the ambulance with them.

A fireman picked me up and put me in my front yard, and the ambulance drove away.

That's when I knew for sure,

I would not see her alive again.

The death certificate gave SIDS as cause of death.

There are over 400 theories as to what SIDS is, or what causes it.

They don't know for sure, and there are no signs or symptoms of it.

I think it is a merciful way for Heavenly Father to take these sweet babies home.

SIDS babies don't struggle or suffer, they just stop breathing.

My intent tonight was to post the photos of the kids' first day of school. I went to my friend Stacie's blog first to check out the photos of her daughter's first day that she told me about. I then read an older blog of hers about the day when her precious Janie died. Janie was a twin and was 8 weeks old when she went back to live with Heavenly Father.  Stacie is my best friend here in California and I remember: 

• When she got pregnant, 
• When she was trying to tell me that she thought she was having twins 
• And I didn't believe her, 
• After her ultrasound, when she called me in tears because SHE WAS RIGHT!
• When she kept growing, 
• When she vented about how huge she felt and how she couldn't walk anymore (at the end of the pregnancy),
• When labor began (as we were talking on the phone and I told her she needed to hang up and go to the hospital), 
• In the Intensive Care Unit when she was trying to feed Janie (Janie was born twenty minutes after her twin Brigham and with the cord wrapped around her neck a couple of times),
  
• When they were blessed at church,
• On a normal day (if there is such a thing) with twins,
• When I was lucky enough to give Janie a bath and stare into those older, knowing eyes,
• A couple of days before she passed as I kissed her cute cheek as I picked her up,
• In my jammies at the hospital when my beautiful friend Stacie had to let her go forever,
• Many times after that day,
• And at the funeral, when my beloved, wonderful friend tried to put on a strong face even though her heart was broken,
• Sobbing, like I've never sobbed before (again) when I saw her in her casket,
• Feeling like I lost a child of my own, but knowing it was nothing compared to the pain she felt,
• Dying inside because I had to see my best friend broken and in pain, knowing there was nothing I could do for her but cry with her and pray for her--feeling so helpless,
• Wishing I could take some of the pain for her,
• Looking at her now and trying not to break down in tears, so she won't,

Because I love her and I love Janie, I bear my testimony to you all today.  I break down in tears everytime I read that passage she wrote or when she talks about her. I have been to many funerals and deathbeds...but never, NEVER have I been so heart broken as I was when Janie died and a piece of my friend died with her. I knew she was an amazing, faithful, and valiant woman before then--but now I stand amazed again.  I joke that when I go to heaven, I am going to use her name to get into the gates.  It has been her faith, knowledge of the gospel, and testimony of our church--The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that has kept her going each day.  I am so grateful that I was able to spend time with Janie while she was on this earth and her death has changed my life and taught me so much.  Everything seems so trivial and temporary since.  Everything worldly, so unimportant.  I had a testimony of the Plan of Salvation and of the Gospel before this, but now it has strengthened ten fold.  I believe in the gospel, the scriptures, the Book of Mormon, the Plan of Salvation, Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost, Eternal Families, baptism by immersion, and of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I know it is the true church and that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ and his saints on the continent, I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God called to bring us his truth in these latter days and I know without a doubt that I am nothing without it all.  I used to be agnostic and did not want to believe in a God that could cause me so much pain and ignore my please for help and comfort.  So, when these two young boys, Missionaries, came and taught me about the church, the Plan of Salvation, and prayer I was skeptical to say the least.  When they challenged me to pray again, opening with "Dear Heavenly Father" and closing with "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen"--I thought I would try it to prove that I would not get an answer at all (as usual) or about their stupid church.  I was surprised that I got the answer to that prayer and it was loud and clear and followed by tears....and the rest is history.  After Jesus was crucified and after his disciples were killed, the true church and true, complete gospel ceased to exist on the earth..until Joseph Smith got an answer to his prayer about which church to join.  He was told that none of them were true.  He found out that they all were missing key truths and gospel. He was to restore the truth and the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth once again.  If you doubt it too, do what I did....pray about it...ask...read the Book of Mormon and see for yourself.  If not for me, for Janie and for all of those who come to this earth with a purpose and a mission....just trying to get your attention.  Trying to lead you to the light which accompanied us all on the way down here and to the truth we were once taught. It seems right and familiar to us here, because we have heard it before...in the pre-existence/Heaven!  Next Monday, we as a family, will be giving our neighbors a Book of Mormon with our testimonies in them and the story about Janie.  I owe her that much-she gave me the courage to do so. Pray for us :-) I know that Stacie will see and hold her precious Janie again and that her family is Eternal. That was his promise, but we have to earn it....we have to learn how.

This poem was printed on the program of my husband's Grandmother, when she passed shortly after Janie.  She knew too and she was so excited to go back home to her Father in Heaven and to be reunited with the four children she lost also (Carolyn, Marcia, Michael, and Jennifer) and the husband that went before her. She knew her family was eternal and she was more than ready.

"When Tomorrow Starts Without Me"

When tomorrow starts without me, and

I'm not there to see;

If the sun should rise and find your eyes, 

All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the

Way you did today,

While thinking of the many things, we 

didn't get to say.

I know how you loved me, as much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try and understand,

That an angel came and called my name,

And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready, in the heaven far above, And that I'd have to leave

Behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,

For my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much yet to do

It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

So when tomorrow starts without me,

Don't think we're far apart,

For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

I am home in heaven, dear ones

Oh, so happy and so bright!

There is perfect joy and beauty

In this everlasting light

All the pain and grief is over 

www.lds.org

http://rogers4sofar.blogspot.com